Sometimes I Wish I Didn’t Feel So Much

So here we are again. This song and dance is getting so old and I am so tired of it. The events with World Vision that have occurred over the last 48 hours have left me emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I wish I knew why I cared so much. I wish I knew why I felt things so strongly. All I know is that God made me a feeler a big deep feeler. Tonight was one of those nights that I actually asked him to take that away from me. I told him I didn’t want to feel things so deeply anymore. I don’t want to grieve for the thousands of children who lost their sponsors. I don’t want to feel the shame for my fellow believers who said this week they would rather let children starve to death than same sex couples be employed by a Christian ministry. I don’t want to cry hot angry tears over my laptop when they win. I think this week was especially hard because it involved all the issues I care about the most poverty, equality, children, and Jesus.  It just feels like to much, like a battle that we will be trapped in forever and will never get anywhere. It feels like my heart will break every week. For a few minutes I just wanted to not care anymore.

Since, I’m a mom and life goes on even when I’m caught up in all of the feelings of injustice, I had a girl to give a breathing treatment and get to bed in the middle of all of it. What a blessing that was. As I lay in the bed with her and she fell asleep I felt God speak to my heart, ” What do you want most for her?”  The answer in my heart was immediate, I want her to care. I want her to love deeply. I want her to live passionately (if you know my girl you know she already does this well). I want her to  love Jesus and to live out Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly^[a] with your God.

 

So tonight as I lay next to her I prayed for her my boys, my husband and myself. I prayed that God would never let our hearts be hard. That he would never let us stop caring no matter how much it hurt. Then I remembered this from Mathew 5:

3 Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you,

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