Use My Voice

Speaking up about the issues I can't get out of my head or heart.

Trying To Get Unstuck…

I had a rough afternoon. It was actually something I didn’t see coming. One of those times where an issue from the past threatens to come up and take back over. You know those kind of issues. The ones that hurt in a place really deep that you really wish would just go away. The kind of issues or life events that cause you to get stuck.

I don’t think It’s any chance happening that this issue came up today. I have just started a Bible study with a great group of women that is called Stuck. It is all about the places we get stuck in our relationship with God. Earlier this week I got a lot of clarity about one of these issue in my own life. So of course what happens…boom let’s just try and face it head on. Now I am not going to pretend like I have resolved this issue or that today might not have been a bit of a set back. However, I am aware that this is an area where I have been stuck. So now the choice is mine stay stuck or believe that God wants an intimate relationship with me and as long as I am stuck that will never happen.

What I am learning is that God doesn’t want to take these kind of issues away. He wants to work through them. He wants to be glorified through my weakness. Through the things that I can’t handle on my own. He’s not jtrying to make me stronger but to make me depend on him more. It is so contrary to how I think but yet I find great comfort in a verse  I was reminded of this week. “My gracious favor is all you need. My power woks best in your weakness”. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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I am so glad that God did not give me a puppy.

In 48 hours my baby girl will be two. In some ways I can’t believe she is already two and in others I can’t believe she is only two. She fits the role of baby in the family so well.  She by far has done many things faster than either of my others. She is the most verbal two-year old I have ever met (and my boys were big talkers) she dresses herself, and she buckles her own car seat.On the other hand she has held on to her “babyhood” longer than the others.  She nursed the longest, still sleeps with a paci, and expects that people will give her what she wants we she wants it. When I think about the last two years I can’t help but think about how I almost missed this.

For the year before she was conceived we talked about having a third all the time.  Should we? Shouldn’t we? We had already lost one and I wasn’t sure I could go through that again. We had one child with moderate special needs and another with a heart condition, hadn’t we pressed our luck enough already? Then there was the issue of my body. Did I really want to lose control of it for 9 months of pregnancy and a year of nursing? I was just really getting back into shape. In fact I looked and felt the best I probably ever had.  Also, we had achieved a level of freedom. The boys and I could leave for a day trip on a moments notice. Noah would pack the sandwiches, Isaac would get things for the car, we had a system. Our life was pretty good.  Did we really want to change things?

How about a puppy instead? We already had a dog. We love dogs. Lets just get a puppy. I began to research and look at recuse groups. We were going to get a puppy. I was so excited about a puppy. Then in late August early September I began to not feel so well. I was tired. bone crushing, can’t move after 3:00 in the afternoon tired.  I had felt this way before.  I knew what this feeling was.

The best part of telling people that we were expecting was when my mother in law stood up and yelled, “It’s not a puppy!” I will cherish that moment forever.  That and at the ultrasound when the tech said, “It’s a girl” and I said, “no way” were probably my two favorite moments of my pregnancy.

So here we are two years later and I finally feel like we have achieved a similar level of freedom that we had before. I ended up nursing her for 18 months (and wouldn’t trade a minute of it). My house is never clean and it is often 10:00 at night before Scott and I have a real conversation. There are clothes I still can’t fit in. However, I have this beautiful creature in my life, in our family. She changed us forever. From the moment she was born she changed us.  She sings and dances. She has to try on all the “pretties” in the store. My boys now know the princesses and feel it’s their duty as brothers to watch them with her. Yet you can tell she has two older brothers when she tackles you flat to the ground or proudly declares, “I tooted”.

Margaret Abigail, our “pearl of joy”. Her name could not fit her better.

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