Use My Voice

Speaking up about the issues I can't get out of my head or heart.

Questions Again

I am feel like my brain is on a ride at the fair right now. Noah and I leave this afternoon to go to Augusta for his neuropsych evaluation.  It’s really hard just to write that you are taking your child for a two-day neuropysch exam much less to actually think about what it all means.  He is anxious, very anxious.  (It probably does not help that he is getting over strep throat. ) When Noah gets anxious he paces and he ask questions., lots of questions. Generally the same questions over and over again. When are we leaving? What will I do? Where will we eat? Will Daddy know how to get Isaac and Maggie to school? Is Grandma allowed to pick them up?  Trying to answer all of questions does not help me to feel less anxious or to make sure I have answered all of my own questions.  Did I pack his medicine?  Have I told Scott how the crazy preschool carpool line works? Did I pack myself any clothes? These are the kind of days I envy all you list makers. You would have started your list a month ago when you scheduled these appointments. You would have realized then that it feel the same week as the first week of preschool and right before a holiday weekend. However somehow none of these things really occurred to me until Sunday. That’s what happens when you are an event to event kind of person like me.

I wrote before about all the questions that come when you are raising a child with special needs.  Well they are back. If I am honest I know my spinning head really isn’t about carpool line or packing my clothes.  I am nervous for him. I am not nervous about the results or what they mean for Scott and I.  I am nervous for Noah. How does it feel to him to be doing two days of testing?  How will he hold up? What questions does he have about himself floating through his head? I think the biggest question is how will we explain the results to him? I know the answer to that question depends on what the test show us but it is still a really big question in my mind. So maybe it’s not just Noah that’s anxious. I guess I am to. I know I have to keep mine at a close guard because Noah can sense any anxiousness on my part in a second. I have to be calm and keep myself together. I have to convince him that yes it will be a couple of long days but we will also have some great fun time just us (which I am really looking forward to).

So I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers over the next couple of days. Pray that Noah will continue to feel better physically and have the stamina to finish the testing. Pray that peace over takes me so that I can provide it for him. Pray that all of the questions in my mind will be quite for a couple of days.


Hurting Because of Church

Sunday morning I woke up thinking I was going to church. We had not been in a couple of weeks and we really needed to go. I took a minute and checked out what was going on in the facebook world. It was then that I learned that a lot of people I care about were hurting.  They weren’t hurting because someone had died or because of a natural disaster. They were hurting because their church was falling apart. Fighting, politics, and power struggles were ripping  a place they loved apart at the seams. I wish I could say this was a surprise to me. I wish I was shocked and couldn’t believe that it was happening. However, I have spent the last 18 years in church ministry in some way or another. Nothing that happens at church shocks me anymore.  When I was 19 and serving at as a day camp counselor at a church in California I watched as a new pastor came in and wiped out the entire church staff on a Friday afternoon. That was my first lesson about how church life worked. You would think I would have learned there and run in the opposite direction but I knew God had called me to ministry.

I don’t want you to think I hate church because that is not the case. I have given most of my adult life up until this point serving in churches because I do believe in what The Church is suppose to be. I have watched as people have come together to feed the hungry, build homes for the homeless, and share the Good New of Jesus’ love. I have watched people give of themselves over and over again so that others would not go without. I have watched families changed and healed by what they have found in church. I know that The Church has great potential.

I also have watched as churches destroy people and families.The hurt that is caused by church or the people in a church is a hurt that goes down deep into who you are. It is a spiritual hurt. It is a hurt caused by a place where you opened yourself up and allowed people to see you hurts and struggles. It is a place where you gave so much of your self because you believed in what the church was doing. Recovering from that kind of hurt is hard.  It is really hard.  Every time you watch a church fall apart or fail someone you feel that same hurt all over again.

To my friends who are hurting and confused by church right now I remind you that there is a difference between a church and God.  God has not failed you (even though it might seem that way). He loves you.  He wants to comfort you and remind you that he is perfect even though so often his Church is not.  Take sometime to rest in him. You are loved.



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To My Sweet Boy

My Sweet Boy,

I can not begin to tell you how quickly the last five and a half years have gone by. It seems like just yesterday they were putting this 6 pound 7 ounce baby in my arms. I think you were born smiling. I think you were also born to make us all laugh. I have said for years we did not pick your name. God must have picked it and given it to us for you. “Laughter” no name could fit you better.  From the beginning you have been your own person. You are strong and independent.  You have to learn your lessons on your own and test things to find out if they are true. You are 100% you and I wouldn’t want you any other way.

A whole new part of your life starts tomorrow. I am so excited for you because you are so excited. I am not sure that it has even occurred to you to be scared. All you see in a new world of friends to make and experiences to have. I love this about you. You see the world as something to conqueror and you have no doubt of your place in it.

Tonight I watched you sleep curled up with you blanket and bear and was reminded that you are still very much a little boy. I pray that you will stay that little boy for awhile longer. Most of all I pray though that you will continue to love the way that you do now. I pray you will love with your whole heart. That you will look out for the person who is being left out. I want you to stay kind and generous. I want others to see the love of Jesus in you.

I love you so much my beautiful boy!


This song pretty much says it all!



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The Plank In My Eye

It’s been a long couple of weeks at my house dealing with two kids with mono and preparing one of them for kindergarten. In addition I met with the neuro-psychiatrist today for my oldest. So to say I’m tired and a little done would be a understatement. I really don’t feel like blogging tonight. I’m really hesitant to blog because I am afraid that in my tiredness I will not use my voice in the right manner. However, I fear to stay silent is to say I think things are ok.

I am heartbroken at the way I saw Christians conducting themselves yesterday. I did not see people loving their neighbors as themselves. I saw Christians standing up to the world not standing up for the all-consuming love of a savior. I saw Christians uniting over “protecting” one of their own from criticism instead of coming together to help the hurting. News stories were made about stores running out of chicken. Imagine if news stories had been made about all of those Christians coming together to feed hungry children in their communities . Christians take such few chances to come together and this is what they chose.

You know the world was watching right? You know the people who you are supposed to take the Good News of Jesus Christ to saw you coming together because you don’t like the lifestyle of others. Do you think that makes them want to know Jesus? Our job here is not to protect our way of life. Our job here is to live out the Kingdom of God every single day.

I might be wrong, maybe God wants me to be taking a stand against homosexuality. However, I can’t find one verse of scripture where he tells me to do that. I can find plenty where he tells me to love others the way loves me. I can find plenty where he tells me I have no place to judge others. So if I’m wrong I am willing to let God tell me that when I stand before him. My response to him will be simple, ” I’m sorry Lord I was never able to get the plank out of my own eye”.

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