Use My Voice

Speaking up about the issues I can't get out of my head or heart.

Stuff To Walk Through

Yesterday I read a blog entry from one of my favorite authors Sarah Bessey. In which she declared she was no longer afraid. If you know me IRL or have read many of my post you will understand why I found this writing so powerful. It truly caused me to weep. I wanted to stand with Sarah and let our voices tremble together as we spoke what God was saying to us.

I was blessed as a young woman out of college to be hired as a children’s pastor in a United Methodist Church and had the pleasure to serve in three of them over the next 14 years and currently attend a fourth one. Early in these years someone gave me a copy of Ruth Tucker’s Women In The Maze With that one book all of my questions and doubts about women in leadership vanished. That and serving in a church and denomination that fully ordained women and recognized them as 100% equal with men in every way including their ability to lead. However, I will never forget there are women and girls who hear everyday that God will never call them to lead simply because they are female.

I reposted Sarah’s blog yesterday on Facebook. A friend of mine commented that Sarah and I obviously has some heavy stuff to walk through and how she was blessed to never have experienced anyone being bothered with her leading just because she was a woman. I responded to her that my point was not simply about women being left out of leadership but about how it feels to be a Christian who often finds herself on the opposite side of issues of most Believers.

As I was chatting with another friend about it last night she pointed out the the things that I am passionate are “heavy stuff to walk through” and she was right. I have spent years ( and still do) spend a lot of time trying to figure out the heart that God has given me. I struggle with how a church says all are welcome but make little jokes about groups not like them. I struggle greatly with the idea that as a Christian I am not suppose to want the government to help people. How as a Christian I am suppose to more concerned with my government keeping my homosexual friends from marrying than I am with people having healthcare. I struggle with huge thoughts that I really could be getting it all wrong. How could I see things one way when so many people I truly respect and that I know love Jesus see things so differently . That is one question that I don’t have an answer for. All I know is that for me the closer I walk with Jesus the more secure I feel in my beliefs.

As long as I am walking with Jesus on this earth I will be walking through this “heavy stuff”. As long as there is injustice and hurting and I feel that burning inside of me that I know comes from God I will be walking though it. Walking through this “heavy stuff” is precisely what Christ called me to do when he told me to take up my cross and follow him.

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What a TV Wedding Can Remind You Of

I have a confession to make. I am a TV junkie. I have been as long as I can remember and at this point in my life I’m pretty sure that’s not going to change. I love good characters in shows. I think maybe’ it’s where my personality that straddles the border of introverted and extroverted finds a happy place. People to get to know and follow along with but I can do it in my PJ’s and turn them off when I want.  I know they aren’t real (however you will NEVER convince me the Mullder and Scully aren’t living on an island with William somewhere) but whatever.

So tonight is a pretty big night in the TV world. That is if you watch Bones (and if you don’t you really should). Bones and Booth are FINALLY getting married.  It only took them eight full seasons!  Bones is a show that holds a special place for me. (Not just because Bones and Booth are one of the best TV couples ever). I started watching Bones while I was on maternity leave with my second child. My leave with him however wasn’t calm and relaxing like it was with my first. My leave with him involved six-day ins the cardiac care unit of CHOA at Egleston and my entire world being turned upside down.  At two weeks old he was diagnosed with supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). In other words a crazy high rapid heart beat. People ask me how fast his heart would beat ans my answer is, “Well I can tell you a pediatric heart monitor cuts off at 399 beats per minute.”

It was during our stay at CHOA that my dad (who I get my TV junkie ways from) brought me season 1 of Bones on DVD. Well, to be perfectly honest there is not a lot to do when you are in the CCU with a newborn.  So I watched Bones and I was hooked. The next several months we spent too much time at doctor’s offices and in the ER. We learned to carry a stethoscope with us wherever we went. How to stop and episode with a bag of frozen peas or by taking a rectal temperature.  We learned my body could not produce enough calories to keep up with what he was burning off (imagine being on a treadmill all day long) so we had to supplement my breast milk and add extra calories to it. During these long winter months I would snuggle my baby to me and he would nurse and sleep and I would watch Bones. They became a brief escape from the worry and fear. I could just snuggle my baby and watch them.

Now almost seven years later they are getting married (and have a baby!). And my middle child? He is a strong and healthy first grader. He is a risk taker and a charmer. He is strong-willed and independent. He is spiritually sensitive.  So tonight when my husband and I watch Bones I will probably tear up a little (OK, I’m going to cry). I will also be reminded of how far that little baby has come. I will be reminded how much God has blessed us in the last seven years. I will be reminded to give thanks. I will pray for the Mammas and Daddies who are rocking their baby’s in a hospital tonight.


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