Use My Voice

Speaking up about the issues I can't get out of my head or heart.

Sometimes I Wish I Didn’t Feel So Much

So here we are again. This song and dance is getting so old and I am so tired of it. The events with World Vision that have occurred over the last 48 hours have left me emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I wish I knew why I cared so much. I wish I knew why I felt things so strongly. All I know is that God made me a feeler a big deep feeler. Tonight was one of those nights that I actually asked him to take that away from me. I told him I didn’t want to feel things so deeply anymore. I don’t want to grieve for the thousands of children who lost their sponsors. I don’t want to feel the shame for my fellow believers who said this week they would rather let children starve to death than same sex couples be employed by a Christian ministry. I don’t want to cry hot angry tears over my laptop when they win. I think this week was especially hard because it involved all the issues I care about the most poverty, equality, children, and Jesus.  It just feels like to much, like a battle that we will be trapped in forever and will never get anywhere. It feels like my heart will break every week. For a few minutes I just wanted to not care anymore.

Since, I’m a mom and life goes on even when I’m caught up in all of the feelings of injustice, I had a girl to give a breathing treatment and get to bed in the middle of all of it. What a blessing that was. As I lay in the bed with her and she fell asleep I felt God speak to my heart, ” What do you want most for her?”  The answer in my heart was immediate, I want her to care. I want her to love deeply. I want her to live passionately (if you know my girl you know she already does this well). I want her to  love Jesus and to live out Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly[a] with your God.


So tonight as I lay next to her I prayed for her my boys, my husband and myself. I prayed that God would never let our hearts be hard. That he would never let us stop caring no matter how much it hurt. Then I remembered this from Mathew 5:

3 Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you,

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