Use My Voice

Speaking up about the issues I can't get out of my head or heart.

Being Who God Created Me To Be

on March 28, 2013

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like I thought or felt differently about things than most people I knew. I can remember being a child in church and in my head questioning how I would hear people talk. How I would hear adults talk about “sinners” or ” the lost” and thinking that the way they talked about them didn’t sound like the way Jesus talked to people in the Bible. I can remember being a teenager and listening to Bible lessons and listening to other Christians and thinking something must be wrong with me because I didn’t understand God’s word the way they did. Then there was going to a Christian college. Please understand I do not regret my time at a Christian college. If I had to do it over again I would still go to one. I fell in love with God’s word in college. Even though many professors seemed to have their goal to make it as boring as possible. I loved being challenged in my faith and learning more about God’s word. I loved being able to discuss spiritual things with people frequently. However, during this time I can still remember knowing I didn’t see things the way everyone else did. Women in ministry, Calvinisim, evangelism, there were so many conversations that I left once again thinking something must be wrong with me. I can remember praying that God would help me to see things the way everyone else did. Surely if they were all right I must be the one who was wrong. As much as I tried I could never silence the voice inside of me, so eventually I just began to ignore her.

I think I spent most of my twenties ignoring that voice. There was a problem with that though. God had given me that voice. That voice was part of how I was suppose to serve God. When I look back on my twenties I can see a lot of good. I was involved in some incredible ministries that I know have had an eternal impact. I made relationships that will last the rest of my life. However, when I look back on that area I also see a lot of emptiness. I pretty much stopped reading my Bible unless I was preparing a lesson. My prayer life for years was nonexistent. I was a children’s pastor so nobody actually excepted me to be in worship which was just fine with me. Because if I read my Bible, if I prayed, if I worshiped that voice became harder to ignore. She cried out to be heard to have her say in things. The closer I came to God the louder that voice became.

I spent nearly a decade burying that voice and building a wall around it. Well, God did not intend for us to live with walls. Around the time I turned thirty God began the process of removing those walls. Let me tell you demolition hurts. He began to let me see how I had ignored that voice and the damage that it had done. He began to show me how I had become selfish and unconcerned with the needs of others. He showed me how I had traded in the unique person he had created me to be to be a person that others would respect. I learned that respect that way is hollow and meaningless.

I have spent the last several years rediscovering that voice. Learning to listen to it more. Learning how to speak through it with love. I am still learning when that voice is just for me and when it is for others to hear as well.

I am still not completely sure why I see things differently than other Christians do so much of the time. I am learning as I do speak up more that I am not as alone as I one thought I was. Last night in my small group when a mom spoke up and said her daughter was being bullied at her Christian school because she supported marriage equality I heard that voice. I had words to say to that mom. I also was reminded that there are young Christians coming up who need to know that it is ok to think differently, to question, to use the love of Jesus as the prism that you see the world through. I owe it to them to be who God created me to be so that they can know they are not alone .

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